I write because, I can’t tolerate the wall that I run into when meeting new friends and realizing that they just will never have a sense of who I am, from what they THINK they see, and what they THINK they know about me. It leaves me alone, on the other side of a wall of misunderstanding, talking to myself in my cabin.
Attunement to others, which Sarah Schlotte of Equusoma described as "being seen, being heard, feeling felt and getting gotten", is essential to develop a sense of safety and connection in the world.
That’s what makes any of THIS worthwhile. Because THIS – this public blood-letting - it’s not easy, you know. It’s not ‘fun’, just in case you’re wondering.
Thankfully, the relief in being SEEN and occasionally APPRECIATED, usually makes it worth it and keeps me addicted to over-sharing. That it so often helps others, is the tasty icing on the cake.
It is my personal mission to be heard, seen, and appreciated for who I really am before I die, by people l respect; then to help and encourage others, to do the same.
I am evolving out loud. As such, I have astonishingly honest and candid conversations with people all the time, in search of that elusive moment when someone’s eyes show they ‘get me’, and they nod; their illusions giving way to a reality stranger, more complex, and vulnerable, than they had imagined. I have found that conversations like these are always surprising and heart-warming and identity-confirming; to smile, pump your fist in the air and declare;
“YES! THAT’S who I am!”
And sometimes, to hear back a surprising; “Me, too!”
We all know the power in THAT.
During that moment of recognition, I can see myself, too; reflected through the eyes of people I respect. After so much isolation and losing a huge chunk of what defined me in the trainwreck of my life, I truly didn’t know. What DID I believe? What DID I stand for? What did I WANT?
Turns out, you’ll be a long time finding that out alone. It was when I looked into the eyes of new friends and old, at that moment of cognition and connection … and I softened, starting to see;
“Oh! THAT’S who I am!”
And so, post covid-meets-cancer-meets-trainwreck catastrophe, as I surround myself once again in real, live human interactions with wonderful, intelligent, compassionate human beings, I am heartened. I have a new sense or self-worth, a bit of an unfuckwithableness that I didn’t have before.
I just came in the door of my little cabin on a frosty morning. I looked up into the leaden November sky and watched the smoke curl from my chimney, I thought; “YES!” And immediately, an old familiar tune played in my head, for the first time in a verrrrrrrry looooong time.
It’s a simple song, and it sounds like this.
Dummm-dee-DOO-DAH! Dum-dee-DOO-DAH! Dum-dee-doo-dah! Dum Di-dee-di-dee-dum Dee-doo!
“I love my life! I love MY LIFE! I Love my life! I lova-lova-love my life!”