Updated: Dec 12, 2022
Why did I write this whole 'Sex Kitten' story? Why go through the weirdness of sharing it? And let me assure you, that there has been PLENTY of THAT! It's weird, for instance, how people start to be unable to look you in the eyes in public ... how they avoid you, and get all weirded out. It's weird how emails go unanswered. It has been weird to have this ball I lobbed dropped like a hot potato! Just weird! But worth it.
For the first time ever, I feel UNFUCKWITHABLE!
We have William Micklem to thank for for this story growing legs, for RELENTLESSLY asking me whether I knew for CERTAIN, that there were, 'no more Paige’s in Bromont’.
I couldn’t guarantee that.
And, its not my job to.
Or is it? The question of responsibility, when we coach others and our voice carries over a crowd, changes.
Today, William wrote me;
“We all have to do what is right for us, which for you and I means right for others as well. All coaches need education in ‘appropriate behaviour re coach under age students’ - it needs to be set out clearly and be part of a coach contract with their NGB. ... by revealing the need for better care of students you have done a great job. Hold your head high.”
I grew up in a weird reality.
Turns out, a LOT of others had it ‘weirder’. What I found that we all have in common, is that we are ALL a product of generations of trauma, whose general philosophy was to “SUCK IT UP, BUTTERCUP!” Am I right?
Now, we need to ask ourselves some questions. How do we end this?
As I came out of my post-cancer-trainwreck, dusted myself off, and looked around; I realized I had a HUGE privilege; the privilege to study whatever I needed to, to break the cycle of trauma in my own family line, and put an end to the proliferation of collateral damage. I have dedicated my life to studying trauma and helping others.
This has to end. It has to NOT be the ‘norm’ for our granddaughters. Nor our grandsons.
Capital ‘A’ Atrocities grow in the dark, when we don’t talk about our stories for fear of shame. So I have shared my story, to shed light into the dark places, where the seeds of shame and fear grow with such abundance! The lower-case 'a’ atrocities we have all (to a fault) endured, must end.
It starts with our use of words. Words hurt. Words oppress. Words free!
Words like slut. And whore. And bitch. And my personal favourite - my family specialty as a direct descendant of the legendary Kitty Pretty - 'twit'.
These words create shame.
Shame is a magical ingredient; like yeast, nothing can really expand and grow, without it. WITH it ... especially if left in the darkness ... shame allows isolation and low self-worth, to turn into the increased likelihood of being targeted for MORE!
Shame gets a toe-hold, and it just gets worse.
My friend Lee, with much more experience than I have in the field of trauma and its affects on the human heart and mind, tells me the magic ingredient is not shame, but fear.
I say, fear and shame are inextricably intertwined.
Our nervous system is designed to run on autopilot – a radar detector for ‘threats’. It doesn’t care if the threat is of physical violence – a tiger at your throat – or inescapable shame.
It’s ALL the same, to your good-old-fashioned nervous system!
So, Lee and I agree. Our bodies, facing the prospect of shame, will do ANYTHING ... out of abject terror! Definitely F.E.A.R.!
Fear of being known - fear of my reality being common knowledge - made ME vulnerable. Facing that, and accepting that not everyone will understand … leaves me as IN-vulnerable as a person can get.
And THERE, is a recurring theme! VULNERABILITY makes us stronger.